Valentine's Day Effect
by SoundCloud
Summary: Someone has sent a mass-message to everyone on the Normandy saying that Jane Shepard LOVES Valentine's Day. Crazy,stupid lovely antics occur. FemshepX?


**Author Note:** yay my first non-Naruto fanfcition. I love this game series. This takes place a little bit after the suicide mission through the Omega-4 relay. Everybody survived except Zaed who was never recruited. Also, I don't care if people still say Legion's an "it" till that one moment. To me he will always be a "he". Enjoy and please review to tell me what you think.

* * *

"Grunt," the human specter looked like she was about to be sick. "What is that?"

The perfect krogan was in her private quarters holding out a foul-smelling blue-gray object. His brilliant ice-blue eyes gleemed with pride.

"It's a heart," Grunt replied, almost cheerfully.

"A heart?"

"A heart,"

"Who's heart?"

"A turian heart,"

"A turian heart?"

"Yes,"

Suddenlly, Shepard was frantically dashing to her desk console and pressing buttons. She screamed into the microphone. "Garrus! Garrus Vakarian answer me right now!"

"Yes?" the unmistakable (and sexy) voice of her favorite turian sounded after a moment's pause. He sounded throoughly bewildered. "Spirits Shepard, what's wrong? Are you alright? I'll be up in a-

"Garrus," Shepard sighed in relief clutching her pounding heart. "No. No it's fine- I'm fine. False alarm buddy, carry on,"

She collapsed onto the seat beside her desk. Grunt looked very put off.

"You looked scared, Battlemaster," he grumbled gruffly. "It doesn't suit you,"

His red-haired commander glared daggers at him.

"That's better!" he cheered, glad to see she still had her flimsy, human spine.

"Grunt. _Who's_ heart is that?" she demanded through gritted teeth.

"It belonged to a Blue Suns operative. From our last mission," the young krogan's eyes flashed in excitement as he recalled the glorious fighting. "Shot him in the leg then ripped this out of his chest. Bastard never knew what hit him!"

"..." Shepard stared at him, officially confuzzled. "And why are you giving me this?"

"It's my tribute to you. For Varentine's Day," Grunt answered, looking away for the first time Shepard could remember. Did the silver krogan actually look...embarassed?

"_Varen_tine's Day?" the blue-eyed human could hold back a laugh. This was a little weird but just too _cute_. Unfortuantely, no krogan took being laughed at well.

"Fine," he growled, looking a bit hurt but mostly indignant. He tossed the heart onto Shepard's desk and stompped back into the elevator. "That's the last time I listen to a console message,"

"Grunt, wait!"

He was gone. She sighed. Great, she'd hurt his feelings...or more likely his pride but still. Bad Jane, bad. But wait, what had he said about a console message? She pressed a few button's on the computer at her desk and checked her private message inbox. One new from...Kaidan. She scowled. She still hadn't forgiven the whiny man for going off on her at Horizon. Even after that half-assed apology he'd sent her. Jane considered just deleting the message without reading it..but she decided against it. Her curiousity often got the better of her.

_"Shepard, _

_I know we're still not on the best of terms but I..I just wanted to tell you..Happy Valentine's Day._

_-Kaidan Alenko"_

Shepard blanched. Valentine's Day..? She looked up the date on Earth via the extranet. February 14. Damn. She hadn't celebrated that silly holiday since...well, never. That holiday wasn't celebrated on the colony she grew up on. She knew what it was of course, even watched a few vids about it as a little girl but..she always found it to be...quite stupid. Back in the Alliance her platoon, if they had shore leave, used to go drinking on Valentine's Day and spent the evning making fun of it.

Jane checked the time. 04:00 standard galactic time. She was so going back to sleep. She'd deal with these thoughts later. Without thinking she tossed the turian heart into her fish tank and jumped back into bed. snuggled into her blankets she soon drifted off into a dreamless slumber.

* * *

"Shepard. Shepard," the insistant synthetic voice woke the red-head woman up.

"What, EDI?" the specter mumbled grogilly. "What is it?"

You have slept longer than you usually a low yourself to. Also, you have several gifts left on your desk ,"

"Gifts?"

"Yes. Somthing from Operative Taylor, Kasumi Goto, Thane Krios, and Dr. Chakwas,"

"Uh..ok...any new assignnments?"

"An Eclipse group based in the Hades Gamma cluster has been causing problems to local colonies."

"Okay I'll get right on it. Thanks, that's all EDI,"

"Logging you out, Shepard,"

After changing into her army casuals, the cargo pants and clinging black and white underarmor shirt, Shepard went to her desk. However her dark blue eyes quickly darted to the horrible massacre that had taken place in her fish tank. The turian heart she'd tossed in there had apparently contaminated water and now all her little aquatic friends were floating belly-up. She sad-faced.

After getting over the tragic deaths of her roommates, she turned her attention to her desk. On it was: a box of chocolates, a jewelry box, a bottle of iced-brandy, and an exotic looking flower. She picked up the chocolates first.

_"Commander,_

_I don't think there will be time to spill soem drinks on the Citadel. Not with the reapers approaching. But I picked these up on my last shore leave and the alcohol in these are a real prize. Happy Valentine's Day._

_-Jacob Taylor"_

Jane laughed. Thaty was so like her ex-Cerberus friend. But wait. Another Valentine's day reference. It had to be a coincidence right? She reached for the small black box and opened it. A soft gasp escaped her lips.

_"Hey Shepard,_

_Happy Valentine's Day. Come by to chat sometime. =)_

_-Kasumi Goto"_

"Oh Kasumi," the human specter said breathlessly as she stared at the necklace. It was white cold incrusted with tiny diamonds and saphires. It looked very valuable. Very beautiful. And very likely stolen.

Trying to love the criminal and not the crime, she placed the gift down and moved on. The brandy of course was from Chakwas accompanied by a note toasting to Shepard's health. Jane smiled yet it was the last gift that she couldn't take her eyes off of. It faintly resembled an earth lily but was in shades of deep beautiful blues. The scent was strange but not unplesant- an intriguing mix of sea-breaze and..melon? She liked it. But it was the note that hooked her.

_"Siha,_

_This flower is native to the oceans of the hanar homeworld, Kajhe. As long as the stem is in water it will not wilt...Time for me is short, Siha, and this flower may very well outlive me..but my respect for you will never die. It has been an honor serving under you. You helped me right many wrongs, gave my son back to me. Happy...I apologize, the full name escapes me..V-day, then. Happy V-day. _

_-Thane Krios"_

Jane never considered herself an exceptionally emotional person. At least, in comparison to most women. But something about the gift, the note, made her blush for the first time in years.

"Thane," she smiled to herself, thinking of the drell she'd become such good friends with. She'd already explained to him she only considered them _just_ good friends; she could never replace his wife but he still treated her with the same respect and kindess as before. That was one of the great things about him: never any hard feelings. She _hated_ Kepral's Syndrome...

"Excuse me, Commander,"

Jane jumped, startled. How the hell could she not have heard the elevator doors open? What kind of soldier was she?

"Hey, Kelly," she tried to look like she'd noticed the orange-haired yoeman right away.

Said woman smiled shyly. She was holding a pink gift bag with pink stripres. It reminded Shepardly vaguley of some store she didn't like on Earth...wait..no..it _couldn't_ be..

"Is that...a Victoria Secrets' bag?" Jane asked, looking horrified.

"Surprise!" Yoeman Chambers exclaimed, holding out the bag. Unfortunately she looked so excited that Jane just couldn't _not_ take it. Kelly looked extatic.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Shepard!" and she skipped back to the elevator. After the doors closed Jane walked back to her desk, holding out the bag like it was a dead rat. She tossed it onto her desk, being careful not to knock over the precious flower.

"..." this was officically one of the weirdest days of her life. But hey, after thought-to-be-extinct rachni queen encounters and talking geth she figured she really shouldn't let anything surprise her anymore. She should be used to it, right? And speaking of talking geth.

"Shepard Commander," the doors opened again to reveal the one and only Legion.

"Uhh..." the blue-eyed woman eyed her synthetic friend warilly. She was cautious of more strangeness. "Yes, Legion?"

Legion the friendly geth fidgited for a moment and his lamp eye "blinked" several times as if he were reaching consensus about what he was going to say. Finally:

"This platform would like to... wish you a Happy Valentine's Day- No..This platform would like your assitance. No.." he fidgited, his headlight flashing rapidly.

"Wait did you just say Valentine's Day?"

"...Yes,"

"Ok..but then you said you need my help with something..?"

"Yes,"

"So which is it?"

"...Both. We have researched this human holiday and would like to request the assitance of Shepard Commander in a difficult...problem,"

"But we rewrote the geth heretics," Shepard said frowning as she went back into "Commander" mode. "Are they still causing problems?"

"No. This matter is..," his eye flashed again as he hesitated. "Personal,"

Shepard looked dumbstruck.

"Personal?" she stared at the geth with the hole in his chest.

"Yes,"

"...what do you want me to do?" Shepard worried where this was going. She'd never before seen Legion show signs of indiviuality...or personality, for that matter.

"This platform requires direction on how to make Creator Tali'Zorah our...valentine,"

* * *

"All right, Legion. Do you got the plan?"

Jane Shepard was probably crazy for even considering this. Trying to get a quarian and a geth together? It was impossible. But since this was the most interesting to happen on the ship since Grunt asked Mordin to explain mating to him (apparently the tank hadn't been specific enough), and an Eclipse base needed to be exterminated, Shepard had thought: hey, why the hell not? It wasn't like she hadn't done the impossible before. Hell, she'd made a living off of it.

Plus Leggion and Talki were two of the few squadmates that hadn't given her a Valentine's Day present and she didn't want to face the ones who had yet. Still too strange.

"This platform will stay close to Tali'Creator and protect her from all harm in battle,"

"And then find some flowers to give to her," Jane reminded.

"Acknowledged."

"What are you two whispering about?" the quarian vas Normandy asked curiously. She was sitting across the two of them in the hammerhead.

"Nothing nothing," Shepard said grinning and waving her hand dismisively.

"Shepard, I_ know_ you. You're a terrible liar," Tali replied, mildly amused.

The door to the hammerhead opened.

"Alright you two, take to the left, I'll head to the right and try to flank them. We'll meet in the center of the base so destroy every merc that gets in the way. "

Shepard dashed off before Tali could protest. This plan was _so_ genius. Now all she had to do was find a high place she could snipe from and hopefully also keep an eye out for the two 'lovebirds-to-be'.

* * *

Ten sniped mercs later her Mantis V was running low on ammo and still no sign of her team. She was begining to get a little worried. Switching to her assault rifle she jumped down into the battle. An adrenaline rush was coarsing through her veins and she loved every second of it. This was Commander Jane Shepard being alive. And the Eclipse mercs never had a chance.

When they all lay on the floor in pools of their own blood, the door on the far side of the room opened. She quickly switched back to her sniper rifle and duck rolled to cover. She took aim but it wasn't the nemy that came into her crosshairs. It was..her squad! Tali looked hurt and Legion looked as if he were frantically trying to help but the quarian kept pushing him away.

"Tali!" Shepard callled out to the limping quarian who was wincing as she clutched her wounded side. Dark blood seeped through her three-fingered hand.

"I'm alright Shepard, it's not serious," Tali explained as Shepard piled on the medigel. "I just need to get back and fix the suit rupture bfeore I get an infection,"

"This platform could assist you-

"I don't want anymore of your help, you bosh'tet!" and the quarian stormed out. "I'll meet you in the hammerhead, Shepard!"

"Legion, what happened?" the commander demanded as soon as her injured friend was out of hearing-range. Her blue-eyed glare wavered only slightly as the geth hung his synthetic head in apparent shame.

"We told Tali'Creator to take cover and that we would guard her,"

"And?"

"And then an Eclipse mercenary fired a concussive shot at us and I threw myself in front of her."

_"And?"_

"And...there was a hole,"

Shepard let this information sink in before she was struck with conflicting emotions. She couldn't decide wether to laugh, scold him, or just hug him out of pity. She settled with a sympathetic half-smile.

"It went right through there, huh?" she gestured to Legion's signature chest hole.

"Yes," his headlight blinked rapidly in...embarassment?

Shepard laughed- she couldn't help herself- and put her arm around Legion's shoulders.

"Come on, buddy. Let's go back to the ship."

"Can we still pick some native flora on the way?" he asked with his adorable innocence.

"Of course you can,"

She helped him look through the grasses and plants just outside the now-Eclipse-free base.

"Oooh, get these purple ones! She loves purple,"

"Those are poisonous, Shepard Commander,"

"Oh,"

"These appear safe,"

"Ew, but they smell like rotting vorcha,"

"Acknowledged,"

"Shepard, developing a fever in here!" the injured Tali'Zora vas Normandy called out from the hammerhead.

"Hold on Tali, we're picking flowers!" Shepards called back irritatedly.

"Oh Keelah," Tali rolled her eyes inside her helmet. Her commander coudl be so _strange_ sometimes.

"So Legion. Why do you want Tali to be your valentine anyways?" Shepard asked as they finally decided on a scentless and poison-free red flower that faintly resembled an earth rose.

The headlight that was Legion's face flashed as he 'blinked' rapidly in hesitation. She knew his answer even before he said it.

"No data available,"

* * *

"Commander, are you busy?" Kelly asked from her station. Shepard looked up from the galaxy map. She'd been looking for new planets to probe for palladium. They were running low.

"Nope. I was going to check on Tali in engineering later though. Why?"

"Operative Lawson would like to speak with you,"

"Oh boy," the red-haired specter sighed. She did _not_ enjoy her talks with the _perfect_ Miss Lawson. She'd warmed up to her a bit after she found out she actually had a personality other than bitchy and hard-assed (over-protective obsession with her sister), but she still didn't like the woman.

"And Samara would also like to speak with you," Kelly added.

"Samara?" that was a lot more intriguing. The beautiful justicar never asked to talk except for that one time when she needed assistance in killing her own daughter...so this had to be interesting.

"Ok, thanks Kelly,"

Shepard entered the elevator and pressed the button to go to the Crew Deck. Best to not keep Miranda waiting.

..but the elevator did not move.

"Shepard," the feminine synthetic voice spoke from wherever the speakers in the elevator were.

"What is it, EDI?" Shepard snapped, now slightly irritated.

"Before you go down to the Crew Deck, Dr. Solus would like to speak with you,"

"Mordin? Ugh, fine. But this better not be about anything sex-related again,"

"Logging you out, Shepard,"

"Mordin, you wanted to speak with me?" the red-haired woman walked very cautiously into the lab.

"Yes, medical matters," the scientist salarian answered smiling.

"Oh God!"

The good doctor quickly grabbed Shepard's arm before she could run.

"You're firghtened- no, apprehensive- wait,embarassed maybe?- regardless, I insist you hear me out,"

"Mordin please," Jane whined, trying to tug her arm away to regain freedom and get as far away from the sex-ed lessons as possible. He continued regardless.

"Aware today is a human holiday for romantic sexual activity-

"It's not like that!"

"Also aware you have been deprived-

"Mordin!" the pale woman's cheeks were turning bright red.

"Still, advise caution. Turians also enjoy spontaneous sexual intercourse, but warn of chaffing-

"Garrus and I-

"Can provide ointment-

"Mordin, what do I have to do to make this stop?"

To her surprise, he did stop. And smiled...deviously.

"Aware you are in possesion of a relatively fresh turian heart. Would like to run tests on-

"It's yours. Go get it out of my fish tank." Shepard said flatly, glaring. That sly bastard..."Can I go now?"

"Certainly. And ah Happy Valentine's Day, Shepard,"

Jane stormed out and back into the elevator, not knowing whether she felt more angry or relieved. She pressed the button to her destination again and leaned her back against the elevator wall. She groaned as she rubbed her aching temples. This day was so...

She walked out relucantly and headed to her doom- I mean Miranda's office. The 'beautiful' woman looked up from her desk and smiled. Shepard always thought the 'flawless' woman's front teeth were a little too big...

"Hello Shepard,"

* * *

"I can't stand her!"

Samara's blue eyes opened as she stood up from her meditations to acknowledged her raging commander.

"Shepard. You are angered," she observed, as calm as always, "Someone has caused you injustice?"

"Hell yes! Freaking Miranda accused _me_ of sending some mass-message to everyone on the ship saying how much I _love_ Valentine's Day! And she says I'm being unprofesional by _begging_ for attention! Me! From the girl who runs around shooting things in a _swimsuit_!"

The tall, elegant asari nodded and allowed Shepard to calm herself.

"Anyone who has met you should know you do not need to seek attention. People are often more than willing to give it to you of their own free will,"

Jane smiled slightly as she took deep calming breaths. That had been the nicest thing the beautiful justicar had ever said about her.

"Thanks. So..what did you want to talk about?"

"I was going to give you a gift of words,"

Shepard's eyes widened in alarm. The last time an asari had said that to her she'd refused. Then Sharira the Consort had mind-raped her. Jane shuddered at the memory. Samara seemed to read her mind and a slight smile tugged at the blue woman's lips.

"I said I was _going_ to, Shepard," the justicar explained. "I too had been fooled into thinking it was you who'd sent the message. But as thing have turned out, I offer you instead some wisdom: someone in the dark may be able to shed some light on this matter,"

Shepard blinked, a blank look on her heart-shaped face. "And that means...?"

"That is all, Shepard,"

And when the asari resumed her meditation position Jane knew the conversation was over. She sighed.

"Well, Happy Valentine's Day, Samara,"

"And to you, my friend,"

* * *

Shepard stood in the elevator going down to Engineering deep in thought. Someone in the dark...soemone in the dark...who could that be? Frustrated she stepped out of the elevator and through the doors that led to a small passage ending with stairs on one side and another pair of doors at the end that led to Gabriella and Kenneth. It occured to Shepard that it had been quite a while since she'd last visited the two engineers. She walked past the staircase that led to the darkness where Jack lurked.

"Hey guys-

Shepard stared. She'd opened the door to start a conversation with Donelly and Daniels but the two seemed to already have their mouth preocupied with another use. Gabby was sitting up on Kenneth's console, her spectacular legs wrapped around his waist. They were fervently and shamelessly sucking face.

Shepard closed the door.

Awkwardly, she wondered if she should still check on Tali. She figured she probably should.

She opened the door again. Gabby and Ken were still making out and surprisingly seemed to be oblivious to everything around them. Including their commander. One part of Shepard was quite disturbed by the sigh, the other half was cheering and mentalyl screaming 'ABOUT FREAKING TIME'. She'd always known they'd make a good couple.

Now as for her favorite quarian...Shepard stealthilly peered around to where Tali's console was. To her plesant surprise she saw Legion there with her. He was most likely apologizing and..he was giving her the flowers! Jane held back a "boo-yah!" as the quarian accepted the gift and apology. Jane grinned as Tali also pulled Legion into an awkward hug.

Legion just stood there, eye flashing as he tried to process what the heck was going on. Shepard face-palmed then silently signaled to the geth. He noticed her imediately and she made a motion showing him how to hug Tali back. He complied and Shepard mentally cheered. Pleased with her work, she walked out the door.

Once again she passed the stair-case-to-darkness. It was then when it hit her. The one squadmate she hadn't spoken to or recieved anything from. The psychotic woman in darkness.

"JACK!" Shepard screamed from the top of the staircase. Immediately laughter came from the darkness.

* * *

"I can't believe she would do something like that!" Shepard complained angrilly as she tried to make herself comfortable on her lumpy couch.

"Really? Well I can't believe that _you_ can't believe that she would," the scarred-face turian replied, smirking slightly as he poured them both a glass of wine.

"Are you going to punish her?" he asked as he took a seat beside his bondmate.

"Hell yea I am! I'm going to give her the worst punishment she's ever recieved in her_ life_,"

"Somehow I highly doubt that," Garrus chuckled, azure eyes glowing in amusement. "You're way too paragon to do anything too bad,"

"What?" Jane stood up indignantly and went to sit on her bed.

"Now now, I didn't mean it offensively," the turian said soothingly in his sexy, sexy voice. He stood up and walked over to the obviously offended human.

"You don't think I can be renegade," she accused, her blue eyes glaring into his calm ones.

"Well..yea. Actaully I think I've encountered fruit cocktails more sinful than you- but don't you worry, Shepard. I'm plenty bad-ass enough for the both of us,"

"Oh shut up," Jane laughed as she pulled her lover onto the bed. He made that soft purring noise of approval she'd learned to recognize and as he gently took her into his arms she made a similar sound.

"So what are you going to do to her?" Garrus asked, now curious. The red-haired woman grinned mischievously.

"I'm going to assign her missions with Miranda for a whole month," sheanswered smugly.

"Harsh,"

"Yep,"

There was a few moments of silence before:

"So..." Garrus murmured into her neck. His mandibles tickled her and she turned to look him the eyes.

"Yes?"

"I heard Yoeman Chambers gave you some new..'lingerie'..?"

"And where did you hear that?" Shepard asked, raising a crimson brow.

"Joker,"

Shepard groaned. Of course.

"So what of it?" she asked frowning now.

"Well...I'm not exactly sure what that is but according to the vids...it's a good thing for me. So, uh, should I be excited?"

Shepard laughed. "Let's just say your Valentine's Day is going to have a happy ending, big guy,"

Garrus paused as he processed this.

"Ah. Well..glad to hear it," he said finally, heat begining to rise to his face. "Speaking of which..I'm sorrry that I didn't come to see you sooner. I wasn't sure what to bring you other than wine,"

Shepard blushed slightly, touched.

"Aw, you don't have to get me anything," she said and kissed him on his scarred cheek. She'd already learned mouth to mouth wasn't very comfortable for turians. There was a moment's pause before:

"Well...can _you_ get me a new sniper rifle then? I heard the new Widower was comming out,"

Jane laughed softly before kissing him again.

"Sure. Happy Valentine's Day, Garrus,"

* * *

**I wrote this on Valentine's Day but remembered I gave up fanfiction for Lent so couldn't post till today . Review please.**


End file.
